SWINGERS 103

YOU'RE AT THE EVENT. NOW WHAT?

Relax. You already did the hardest part. You walked through the door.

You did your homework. You talked with your partner. You figured out your boundaries. You got dressed, drove here and actually showed up.

Now stop treating this like a mission.

Meet people. Talk. Laugh. Dance. Flirt. Pay attention to your partner. See who you click with.

The night doesn't owe you an outcome. Go enjoy it.

DON'T HIDE IN THE CORNER.

We know. You're just "getting comfortable." You've been getting comfortable against that wall for 45 minutes.

LOOK AROUND

Get your bearings. Find the bar, bathrooms, dance floor, event staff and whatever spaces are part of the event.

SAY HELLO

Introduce yourselves to somebody. Staff, another new couple, somebody you've talked with online or the people standing next to you.

START PARTICIPATING

Grab a drink. Join a conversation. Dance. Play a game. Walk around. Give people a chance to meet you.

"BUT WE'RE INTROVERTS."

Cool. So are a surprising number of the people who look completely comfortable in the room.

Being introverted doesn't mean you're incapable of meeting people. It usually means socializing takes more energy and initiating can feel harder.

You don't have to become the life of the party.

But somebody eventually has to say hello.

If nobody is approaching you, there's a remarkably effective solution:

Go approach somebody.

DO YOU LOOK APPROACHABLE?

Before deciding nobody wants to meet you, look at what you're broadcasting.

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SMILE

Seriously. People are far more likely to approach somebody who looks like they're actually enjoying themselves.

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OPEN UP

Crossed arms, turning away from the room and constantly facing only your partner can unintentionally say "leave us alone."

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MAKE EYE CONTACT

If somebody keeps looking your way, look back. Smile. That's a pretty decent opening for one of you to say hello.

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MOVE AROUND

Don't become part of the wall decor. Take breaks when you need them, then get back into the room.

"Everyone already has their little clique."

Maybe.

More likely, you're watching friends who haven't seen each other since the last event catching up.

Lifestyle communities create friendships. People hug. People have inside jokes. People naturally gravitate toward people they already know.

That doesn't necessarily mean the circle is closed.

Walk over. Introduce yourselves. Say you're new. Ask how everybody knows each other.

Most of us were once standing on the outside of that same circle.

TALK LIKE NORMAL HUMANS.

You don't have to open with your sexual résumé.

START WITH THE OBVIOUS.

"Is this your first FoE event?" "Have you been here before?" "How are you liking the night?" "What are you drinking?" "How did you hear about FoE?" Easy questions give conversation somewhere to begin.

ASK ABOUT LIFESTYLE EXPERIENCE.

Are they new? Have they been around awhile? What kinds of events do they enjoy? What brought them out tonight? These questions are relevant without immediately interrogating them about what happens in bed.

THEN LET THE CONVERSATION BREATHE.

Humor, hobbies, travel, music, the event, something somebody is wearing, ridiculous stories and whatever else naturally develops. You're figuring out whether you actually enjoy each other.

STAY AWAY FROM THE RÉSUMÉ.

Lifestyle privacy changes what counts as harmless small talk.

Be careful about immediately asking:

Where exactly do you work?
What company?
Where do you live?
Where do your kids go to school?
What's your last name?

Those are ordinary questions in vanilla social situations. In a privacy-conscious Lifestyle community, they can feel invasive very quickly.

Let people reveal identifying information at their own pace.

TRY TO REMEMBER NAMES.

And give everybody some grace when they don't.

People may meet dozens of new faces in one night. Some use real names. Some use profile names. Some use both.

If you connect with somebody, make an effort to remember what they asked you to call them.

But if somebody blanks on yours?

Don't immediately decide they didn't care about meeting you. Their brain may simply be full.

TALK ABOUT THE WHAT. NOT THE WHO.

Your story may involve somebody else's privacy.

Tell your experiences. Don't expose the people in them.

Want to tell somebody about a wild experience you had last month? Fine.

That doesn't automatically give you permission to identify who was involved.

You have no idea who knows whom, who works together, who is related, or who has chosen to keep their Lifestyle life private.

Names, photos, profile information, attendance and private experiences belong to the people involved.

BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR PHONE.

In a privacy-sensitive environment, a camera pointed the wrong direction can change the room instantly.

Follow the specific event's phone and photography rules.

Never photograph or record another attendee without their permission.

Even when phones are allowed, be aware of who is behind you, what appears in the background, and how your phone use looks to the people around you.

When in doubt, put it away.

OKAY. YOU FOUND PEOPLE YOU LIKE.

Excellent. Don't immediately sprint toward the nearest bedroom.

DO YOU ACTUALLY CLICK?

Talk. Flirt. Laugh. See whether all of you actually enjoy being together.

IS EVERYBODY ENGAGED?

Don't focus exclusively on the person you're attracted to. Pay attention to both people and to your own partner.

ARE YOU COMPATIBLE?

Talk about interests, boundaries, expectations and what everyone is actually comfortable exploring.

HOW DO WE APPROACH ANOTHER COUPLE?

There's no secret Lifestyle handshake.

The safest default is simple:

Approach them as a couple.

Introduce yourselves to both people. Make eye contact with both. Include both in the conversation. Listen to both.

Different couples have different dynamics. Sometimes the women start talking and eventually drag the guys into it. Sometimes the men introduce themselves first. Sometimes everybody just starts talking at once.

There's no universal protocol.

Just don't treat somebody's partner like an inconvenient obstacle between you and the person you want.

FLIRTING IS ALLOWED.

In fact, we'd recommend it.

Compliment somebody. Make eye contact. Dance. Joke. Tell them you think they're attractive. Ask whether you can sit closer.

You don't need to hide attraction behind six hours of meaningless conversation.

But attraction still isn't permission.

Flirt boldly. Touch deliberately. Ask when you're unsure.

CONSENT ISN'T COMPLICATED.

But people can make it complicated when they're afraid to ask.

ASK

"Can I kiss you?" "Want to dance?" "Can I touch you?" Questions don't ruin chemistry.

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LISTEN

Pay attention to words, body language and hesitation. If you're unsure, check in.

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KEEP CHECKING

Agreeing to one thing isn't blanket permission for whatever happens next.

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MAKE NO EASY

People should be able to slow down, change their mind or stop without managing your feelings afterward.

YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR NO.

So is everybody else.

Attraction isn't a ranking system.

Maybe they're not attracted to you. Maybe one partner isn't feeling it. Maybe they already have plans. Maybe they're tired. Maybe their boundaries don't line up with yours. Maybe they're simply not interested.

You don't need the reason.

Smile. Say something like, "No worries. It was great meeting you."

Then continue enjoying your night.

And when you're the person saying no, you don't need a twelve-minute explanation either.

SO... DO YOU WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE MORE PRIVATE?

Eventually somebody has to ask.

If everybody seems interested, don't rely on telepathy.

Ask.

"Would you two like to join us?"
"Want to go somewhere more private?"
"Are you interested in playing?"

Before moving anywhere, make sure all involved people are actually on board and talk through whatever expectations or boundaries still need clarification.

If you're at an off-premise event, work out the practical details: where you're going, when you're meeting and how you'll contact each other.

RESPECT THE PLAY SPACE.

Sexy doesn't mean lawless.

SPACE

KNOW THE RULES

Different venues and events have different designated spaces, expectations and restrictions. Know them before using the area.

PEOPLE

DON'T INVITE YOURSELF

Watching may be allowed in some spaces. Joining is different. Never assume an ongoing encounter is an open invitation.

CLEANUP

LEAVE IT READY

Use whatever barriers, linens or cleanup procedures the venue requires. Leave shared spaces ready for the next people.

DON'T FORGET WHO YOU CAME WITH.

New attention can be intoxicating. Your partner still exists.

Check in.

Look at them. Touch them. Ask how they're doing. Use whatever signals you discussed before the event.

If something changes, talk about it.

The hottest person in the room shouldn't suddenly become more important than the agreements you made together before walking in.

SOMETHING FEEL OFF?

You don't have to solve everything yourself.

If somebody is making you uncomfortable, ignoring boundaries, pressuring you, violating event rules or creating a situation you don't know how to handle, step away.

Find FoE staff.

We would rather hear about something early and discover it was a misunderstanding than hear afterward that somebody stayed uncomfortable because they didn't want to "cause drama."

Asking for help isn't causing drama.

WHAT IF NOTHING HAPPENS?

Then nothing happened. That's not the same thing as failing.

Maybe you made friends.
Maybe you danced.
Maybe you flirted.
Maybe somebody flirted with your partner and you discovered you loved it.
Maybe you realized you're not ready.
Maybe you simply had fun together.

Especially at your first few events, learning how you feel in the environment can be more valuable than checking off some imaginary sexual achievement.

Go home with information, not a scorecard.

THE EVENT ISN'T QUITE OVER WHEN YOU LEAVE.

Talk about the night while it's still fresh.

ASK

WHAT FELT GOOD?

What did you enjoy? What surprised you? What made you feel connected, confident or turned on?

ASK

WHAT FELT WEIRD?

Anything uncomfortable? Jealousy? A boundary that needs clarification? Something you thought you'd enjoy but didn't?

ASK

WHAT'S NEXT?

Do you want to see somebody again? Change a boundary? Slow down? Try something new? Or simply attend another event?

NOW GET OUT THERE.

Smile. Say hello. Meet somebody.

You don't need to be the hottest couple in the room. You don't need twenty years of experience. You don't need the perfect opening line.

Be approachable. Be curious. Be respectful. Pay attention to your partner.

And remember: everybody you're nervous about talking to is just another person at the party.

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