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FRIENDS OF ELLIS
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
New here? Confused? Wondering whether you missed something?
You probably aren't the first person to ask.
This page covers the questions we hear most often and points you toward the deeper information when a short answer isn't enough.
This page covers the questions we hear most often and points you toward the deeper information when a short answer isn't enough.
PROFILES & MEMBERSHIP
Why should I create a FoE profile?
Your profile is part of how FoE verifies who is joining the community, and it's also how other members recognize, learn about and connect with you.
A current, useful profile makes it easier to meet people before events and continue conversations afterward.
Learn how to build a better profile.
A current, useful profile makes it easier to meet people before events and continue conversations afterward.
Learn how to build a better profile.
Why does FoE require photos?
We want to know who is behind the profile. For couples, we want both partners represented. Current photos also help other members recognize the people they are actually meeting.
Privacy matters, so your photos do not have to reveal more identifying information than you're comfortable sharing.
Privacy matters, so your photos do not have to reveal more identifying information than you're comfortable sharing.
Why was my profile not approved?
Profiles may be rejected when required information is missing, photos don't clearly represent the member or couple, the account appears inconsistent with FoE membership policies, or FoE cannot reasonably determine who is applying.
Review the registration requirements, update the profile and try again if appropriate.
Review the registration requirements, update the profile and try again if appropriate.
Why doesn't FoE allow single men?
Friends of Ellis is intentionally built around couples and women. Our membership and event structure reflects the type of community our members have consistently asked us to maintain.
That is a FoE policy, not a statement that single men do not belong anywhere in the broader Lifestyle. Other communities use different membership models.
Specific sponsored or approved attendance policies may apply when clearly stated for an event.
That is a FoE policy, not a statement that single men do not belong anywhere in the broader Lifestyle. Other communities use different membership models.
Specific sponsored or approved attendance policies may apply when clearly stated for an event.
Can single women join?
Yes. Single women are welcome in the Friends of Ellis community subject to the same profile, membership and conduct expectations as everyone else.
EVENTS
Do I have to have sex at an FoE event?
Absolutely not.
Buying a ticket or attending a Lifestyle event does not create any obligation to flirt, play or have sex.
You can socialize, dance, meet people, watch the room and go home together.
Start with Swingers 101.
Buying a ticket or attending a Lifestyle event does not create any obligation to flirt, play or have sex.
You can socialize, dance, meet people, watch the room and go home together.
Start with Swingers 101.
What's the difference between a Meet & Greet and Nightclub?
They are separate experiences.
A Meet & Greet is social-first and designed around meeting people, talking and building connections.
Nightclub is a party environment with music, dancing and a much higher-energy atmosphere.
You do not have to attend both.
A Meet & Greet is social-first and designed around meeting people, talking and building connections.
Nightclub is a party environment with music, dancing and a much higher-energy atmosphere.
You do not have to attend both.
What is a Hotel Takeover?
A Hotel Takeover is a larger weekend event where FoE occupies designated hotel event spaces and members may stay onsite.
It combines social events, parties, private rooms and more time for people to connect over the weekend.
Read the Hotel Takeover guide.
It combines social events, parties, private rooms and more time for people to connect over the weekend.
Read the Hotel Takeover guide.
What happens at an FoE campout?
Campouts combine camping, socializing, games, food, activities, campfires and adult Lifestyle interaction over a longer weekend.
Each campout has its own schedule, amenities, rules and event information, so read the event listing before arriving.
Each campout has its own schedule, amenities, rules and event information, so read the event listing before arriving.
What should we wear?
Start with the event description. Themes, venues and expectations vary.
In general, dress like you're going somewhere you hope to meet attractive new people. Sexy is welcome. Comfortable enough to actually enjoy yourself is better.
Swingers 102 covers preparing for your first event.
In general, dress like you're going somewhere you hope to meet attractive new people. Sexy is welcome. Comfortable enough to actually enjoy yourself is better.
Swingers 102 covers preparing for your first event.
Can we come just to watch?
You are welcome to attend without planning to play.
If an event includes designated play areas, the rules for observing depend on that specific venue and space. Watching never gives permission to join an encounter.
If an event includes designated play areas, the rules for observing depend on that specific venue and space. Watching never gives permission to join an encounter.
CONSENT & CONDUCT
If we've played with someone before, can we touch them without asking?
No.
Past consent is not current consent. Someone kissing, playing or having sex with you previously does not create permanent permission to touch them later.
Read the Rules & Community Standards.
Past consent is not current consent. Someone kissing, playing or having sex with you previously does not create permanent permission to touch them later.
Read the Rules & Community Standards.
What does Red / Yellow / Green mean?
It's a simple communication system often used during kink or intense play.
Green means continue.
Yellow means slow down or check in.
Red means stop.
Safewords are helpful, but they are not required for someone to withdraw consent. "No," "stop," "wait," or another clear withdrawal must still be respected.
Green means continue.
Yellow means slow down or check in.
Red means stop.
Safewords are helpful, but they are not required for someone to withdraw consent. "No," "stop," "wait," or another clear withdrawal must still be respected.
What if someone tells me no?
Accept it.
Do not argue, negotiate, ask repeatedly or demand an explanation.
A simple "No worries" and moving on is usually all that is needed.
Do not argue, negotiate, ask repeatedly or demand an explanation.
A simple "No worries" and moving on is usually all that is needed.
What if someone's behavior makes me uncomfortable?
Tell FoE staff.
If you're at an event and something needs immediate attention, find staff as soon as reasonably possible.
FoE takes concerns seriously, reviews the information available and determines the appropriate response based on the circumstances.
See Reporting Concerns in the Rules & Community Standards.
If you're at an event and something needs immediate attention, find staff as soon as reasonably possible.
FoE takes concerns seriously, reviews the information available and determines the appropriate response based on the circumstances.
See Reporting Concerns in the Rules & Community Standards.
PRIVACY & PHONES
Can I take pictures at FoE events?
Phone and photography rules can vary by venue and event.
What does not vary: never photograph or record another attendee without permission.
Be aware of people appearing in the background of your photos as well.
What does not vary: never photograph or record another attendee without permission.
Be aware of people appearing in the background of your photos as well.
Can I tell friends who I saw at an FoE event?
You should not expose another person's Lifestyle participation without their permission.
Tell your own stories. Protect the identities and private information of the other people involved.
Tell your own stories. Protect the identities and private information of the other people involved.
Does FoE share member information?
FoE does not provide member contact information to other guests simply because someone asks for it.
If you want another member's contact information, ask that person directly.
If you want another member's contact information, ask that person directly.
ALCOHOL, DRUGS & SAFETY
Can I drink at FoE events?
Alcohol availability depends on the venue.
Where alcohol is permitted, stay coherent enough to communicate clearly, make decisions and respect the decisions of others.
If you are too impaired to clearly consent, you are too impaired to participate in sexual or kink activity.
Where alcohol is permitted, stay coherent enough to communicate clearly, make decisions and respect the decisions of others.
If you are too impaired to clearly consent, you are too impaired to participate in sexual or kink activity.
Are drugs allowed?
Illegal drugs are prohibited at Friends of Ellis events. Venue rules and applicable law also apply.
Can I bring a firearm or other weapon?
No.
Leave weapons at home. Sex, alcohol, intense emotions and weapons are a combination FoE does not need.
Leave weapons at home. Sex, alcohol, intense emotions and weapons are a combination FoE does not need.
LIFESTYLE QUESTIONS
What's the difference between swinging and BDSM?
They overlap, but they are not the same thing.
Swinging generally centers on consensual sexual or erotic experiences involving other people outside an established relationship.
BDSM centers on kink, power exchange, bondage, dominance, submission, impact play and other negotiated activities or dynamics.
Someone can be a swinger without being kinky, kinky without being a swinger, or happily involved in both.
Swinging generally centers on consensual sexual or erotic experiences involving other people outside an established relationship.
BDSM centers on kink, power exchange, bondage, dominance, submission, impact play and other negotiated activities or dynamics.
Someone can be a swinger without being kinky, kinky without being a swinger, or happily involved in both.
What's the difference between swinging, open relationships and polyamory?
All may fall under consensual non-monogamy, but they emphasize different relationship structures.
Swinging usually emphasizes sexual or erotic exploration. Open relationships vary widely and may allow different outside connections. Polyamory generally includes the possibility of multiple romantic or emotionally intimate relationships.
Swingers 101 explains this in more detail.
Swinging usually emphasizes sexual or erotic exploration. Open relationships vary widely and may allow different outside connections. Polyamory generally includes the possibility of multiple romantic or emotionally intimate relationships.
Swingers 101 explains this in more detail.
We're curious but not sure we're ready. What should we do?
Learn first.
Talk with each other. Create a profile. Read. Attend a Meet & Greet. Meet people. See how the environment feels.
You do not need to decide today how far you might eventually explore.
Start with Swingers 101.
Talk with each other. Create a profile. Read. Attend a Meet & Greet. Meet people. See how the environment feels.
You do not need to decide today how far you might eventually explore.
Start with Swingers 101.
COMMUNITY & DISCORD
What is the FoE Discord?
Discord is where FoE members can chat between events, ask questions, talk about upcoming plans and get to know each other.
It uses a separate, free Discord account.
Learn how to join.
It uses a separate, free Discord account.
Learn how to join.
Why do I need my FoE profile name in my Discord display name?
Because FoE periodically verifies that people in the Discord server are still current members.
If staff cannot identify which FoE member an account belongs to, the account may be removed by mistake.
If staff cannot identify which FoE member an account belongs to, the account may be removed by mistake.
Is FoE only about events?
No.
Events are a major part of FoE, but so are profiles, messages, the newsfeed, Discord, education and the friendships that grow between events.
Learn more about the FoE community.
Events are a major part of FoE, but so are profiles, messages, the newsfeed, Discord, education and the friendships that grow between events.
Learn more about the FoE community.
Still can't find the answer?
That's okay. We'd rather you ask than guess.
If your question is about a specific event, check the event description first. It may have venue-specific information that does not apply everywhere else.
If you're still stuck, reach out.
If your question is about a specific event, check the event description first. It may have venue-specific information that does not apply everywhere else.
If you're still stuck, reach out.
