THE UNWRITTEN CODES
OF THE LIFESTYLE
Swinging changes some of the rules.
It doesn't eliminate them.
Some of these ideas are serious. Some are intentionally a little ridiculous. But they all come back to the same idea: have fun without forgetting about the people around you.
These aren't rules about how men or women are supposed to behave. They're a way of talking about some familiar social situations that show up in the Lifestyle.
Take the principles that fit and apply them to your own relationships and dynamics.
THE HUMAN CODE
Before Bro Code. Before Girl Code. Before Couples Code. This is how we treat each other.
CONSENT IS THE FLOOR.
Enthusiastic participation matters. Don't pressure, corner, guilt, bargain with or wear someone down. A reluctant yes isn't the goal.
PROTECT PRIVACY.
You're being trusted with people's bodies, relationships, vulnerabilities and private lives. Treat that information accordingly.
DON'T EXPLOIT VULNERABILITY.
Too intoxicated, overwhelmed, emotional or obviously uncomfortable? Look out for the person instead of looking for an opportunity.
DON'T BECOME THE SECRET.
If someone needs you to hide something significant from their partner, pay attention. Permission to play isn't permission to participate in deception.
APPRECIATE WITHOUT COMPARING.
Tell someone they're sexy. Tell them something felt incredible. Enjoy what makes them different. Just don't build them up by tearing somebody else down.
“That felt amazing.”
COMPARISON
“That felt so much better than my partner.”
DON'T FEED THE COMPARISON.
The person receiving the comparison has a responsibility too. If someone starts elevating you by diminishing their partner, don't help build that narrative. Bring the focus back to the experience you're sharing.
RESPECT RELATIONSHIPS.
Nobody owns their partner, but relationships still matter. Don't knowingly use an opportunity to create division, competition or resentment between people.
LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER.
If someone seems unsafe, uncomfortable, overwhelmed or unable to advocate for themselves, pay attention. Sometimes being a good member of the Lifestyle means putting someone else's wellbeing ahead of the fun.
THE BRO CODE
The old rules got a little more complicated when sleeping with your buddy's wife stopped automatically being against the rules.
BE HIS WINGMAN.
Make introductions. Talk your bro up. Help create opportunities. Celebrate when something clicks for him. You're friends, not competitors.
DON'T TURN IT INTO A COMPETITION.
Someone wanting you doesn't make you better than him. Someone wanting him doesn't diminish you. Leave the scorekeeping at home.
DON'T LET YOUR BRO LOSE PERSPECTIVE.
If he's becoming obsessed with someone, neglecting his relationship, breaking agreements or getting drunk on attention, be the friend willing to say something.
DON'T HELP HIM TRASH HIS PARTNER.
If he starts negatively comparing his partner to someone else, don't pile on. Different doesn't automatically mean better.
RESPECT HIS RELATIONSHIP.
Playing with your friend's partner doesn't give you a special claim on her or permission to disregard their relationship. Be the guy you'd want on the other side of that equation.
FRIENDLY FIRE.
Before you and your bro end up on opposite ends of the same adventure, know each other's boundaries. Some things are better discussed before the DP.
PROTECT YOUR BRO WHEN HE'S VULNERABLE.
If he's too drunk, emotional, overwhelmed or making choices he'll probably regret tomorrow, help your friend—not his chances of getting laid.
DON'T BE HIS COVER STORY.
Bro Code doesn't require helping your friend lie to his partner. Loyalty and enabling aren't the same thing.
THE GIRL CODE
Not Bro Code with different pronouns. These are the little ways women can look out for each other while navigating the Lifestyle.
BE HER WINGWOMAN.
Make the introduction. Talk her up. Help create the opportunity. And know the difference between “I'm nervous but interested” and “please get me out of here.”
RESPECT THE WIFE.
A standing hall pass doesn't make courtesy obsolete. A quick check-in can say, “I respect you and your relationship,” without implying that anyone owns anyone else.
DON'T ACCEPT A COMPLIMENT AT HER EXPENSE.
“You're incredible” is a compliment. “You're so much better than my wife” is a comparison. You don't need another woman diminished in order to feel desirable.
DON'T CREATE A COMPETITION SHE NEVER ENTERED.
Different bodies, personalities, sexual interests and experiences don't need rankings. Another woman's attractiveness doesn't subtract from yours.
GIVE HER THE QUIET HEADS-UP.
Wardrobe malfunction? Something showing? Makeup smeared? She's getting more intoxicated than she realizes? Tell her privately instead of letting her discover it the hard way.
HELP HER FIND THE EXIT.
If another woman is trapped in a conversation or situation she's clearly trying to leave, give her an opening. Sometimes Girl Code is simply, “Hey, I need you for a minute.”
DON'T EXPLOIT A CRACK IN HER RELATIONSHIP.
If they're fighting, jealous, disconnected or obviously aren't on the same page, don't treat the opening as an opportunity.
LOOK OUT FOR HER.
If something feels wrong, check on her. Sometimes the most important thing another woman can offer is simply paying attention.
THE COUPLES CODE
You may play separately. You're still playing as a team.
WE ARE A TEAM—EVEN WHEN WE PLAY SEPARATELY.
Separate play doesn't mean separate consequences. What you do affects your partner, and what your partner does affects you. Make decisions accordingly.
OUR RELATIONSHIP IS PRIMARY.
Other connections can be meaningful without replacing the relationship you've chosen to build together. When interests conflict, protect the relationship first.
IF WE HAVEN'T DISCUSSED IT, DON'T ASSUME IT'S OKAY.
“You never told me I couldn't” is a poor substitute for communication. When something falls outside what you've already established, check in first.
DON'T MAKE DECISIONS FOR YOUR PARTNER.
Don't volunteer their body, negotiate their participation or put them in a position where saying no becomes awkward. Bring them into the conversation and let them give their own yes.
NOBODY TAKES ONE FOR THE TEAM.
Your partner doesn't owe someone sex because you want their partner. They don't owe someone attention because you feel bad for them. Mutual attraction matters.
WE ONLY MOVE AS FAST AS THE SLOWEST PERSON.
If one person needs more time, everyone else doesn't simply leave them behind. The slowest comfortable pace becomes the pace.
BE EACH OTHER'S WINGMAN.
Make introductions. Talk your partner up. Give them room when something clicks. A good wingman opens doors—they don't push their partner through them.
BE EACH OTHER'S SECURITY.
Watch the drinks. Notice changes in behavior. Know each other's signals. If something seems wrong, check in. Either person can call a stop.
PACE TOGETHER.
Don't get so caught up in your own night that you stop noticing your partner's. You don't need to hover. You do need to remain connected.
DON'T TURN VARIETY INTO COMPARISON.
Different bodies, chemistry, personalities, skills and experiences are part of the fun. Enjoy different without slowly turning “different” into “better than my partner.”
DON'T KEEP SCORE.
Who got more attention, played more, orgasmed more or had the “better” night isn't a useful accounting system. Fair doesn't always mean identical.
DON'T SPEND YOUR PARTNER'S COMFORT TO AVOID DISAPPOINTING SOMEONE ELSE.
Someone else's disappointment is survivable. Your partner shouldn't have to cross a boundary because you're trying to avoid an awkward conversation.
NO IMPORTANT SURPRISES.
You don't need to report every flirtation. But if information could reasonably change how your partner feels about participating, they should know before, not afterward.
EITHER PERSON CAN CALL IT.
No punishment. No sulking. No negotiating someone into continuing. Stop first. Talk about what happened later.
WE GO HOME TOGETHER.
Whatever happened that night, come back to each other. Reconnect. Check in. Laugh. Talk. Debrief when you're ready.
Go in strong. Play as a team. Leave strong.
HAVE FUN.
LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER.
DON'T FUCK PEOPLE OVER.
There isn't a rulebook for every situation you'll encounter in the Lifestyle.
That's why the unwritten rules matter.
